


Worth the risk

by WritingRevolutionary



Category: Rent (2005), Rent - Larson
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bigotry & Prejudice, Bisexual Roger Davis, Canon Jewish Character, Established Relationship, HIV/AIDS, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Post-Canon, Post-Rent, bisexual mark cohen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:46:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28390365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WritingRevolutionary/pseuds/WritingRevolutionary
Summary: Mark's smile faltered  - in seeing Cindy's friend he saw in his mind's eye the world he had left behind colliding unceremoniously with the one he now lived in, and he envisioned his safe haven crashing down around him. Had she seen Roger lean in to kiss him? How often did she talk to Cindy? What did she know, what would she ask? What would she tell? He knew what Scarsdale was like. And he knew his parents. But she had seen him, and now he was trapped.
Relationships: Mark Cohen/Roger Davis
Comments: 6
Kudos: 15





	Worth the risk

**Author's Note:**

> Set in the version of Rent from some of the original demos where Mark is the only one out of the group who doesn't have HIV and where him and Roger seem even more in love

It all started when they bumped into a friend of Cindy's, quite by accident, who, as it turned out, was taking a short vacation in the city to visit her brother (some big-shot lawyer) and take in the sights. Although she was vaguely aware that he lived in New York City, she still hadn't expected to see her friend's kid brother at all, let alone see him holding a camera and smiling, laughing even, walking along next to a man with bleach blonde hair and too tight tartan trousers, who had his arm slung across Mark's shoulder and was smiling as much as Mark. It was Mark's smile that had first struck her as odd. Mark had never smiled much in Scarsdale from what she could recall. It changed his whole face somehow, making him almost unrecognisable. The way Mark's smile faltered slightly when he saw her allowed her to see for a second the Mark she remembered, although she couldn't quite place what had come over his expression, nor what it was that had marred it during the time he had lived with his parents in Scarsdale. Roger would have said that it was that in New York City Mark had finally found his place - something that many other young men like him and Mark would have understood without further explanation, but which meant very little to an older sister's friend who's idea of feeling out of place was being slightly overdressed at a brunch. Mark's smile faltered now because in seeing Cindy's friend he saw in his mind's eye the world he had left behind colliding unceremoniously with the one he now lived in, and he envisioned his safe haven crashing down around him. Had she seen Roger lean in to kiss him just seconds before she had caught his eye? How often did she talk to Cindy? What did she know, what would she ask? What would she tell? He knew what Scarsdale was like. And he knew his parents. But she had seen him, and now he was trapped.

"Mark?! Mark Cohen?"

"Oh, um, Delilah right?" Mark asked anxiously.

Roger removed his arm from Mark's shoulder as they turned to see a woman he didn't recognise, which Mark was grateful for, even as it left him feeling suddenly somehow more alone. Roger knew that while family was a touchy subject for both of them, this was especially the case for Mark, made more acute by the fact that his parents did their upmost to bring Mark back to the fold by pestering him to attend any family function they could think of. Sure, he still called his parents occasionally and kept them updated with work, but being perpetually asked why he was still single over the years by his mother and countless aunts and uncles and cousins had begun to wear thin. Even more so once Roger was in the picture. He still told them he was single - he couldn't really do much else - but it hurt more, and became more tiresome. Yet he still couldn't shake the voice in the back of his mind telling him he couldn't break his mother's heart. Which was wholly unfair when the prospect of breaking his mother's heart seemed far less real when contemplating any other decision he made, even though all of them seemed to disappoint her. As it happened, Roger needn't have worried about trying to help Mark keep his walls up. Delilah was already well on her way to tearing them down.

Roger had shaken her hand and dutifully introduced himself as Mark's roommate before drifting in and out of the conversation, keeping an eye on Mark's expression as he was interrogated about where he lived and what he did for work and if he'd met any nice girls. It seemed to Mark that Delilah had long since turned into her mother, nodding and tutting and shaking her head and smiling encouragingly as she said that film making certainly sounded like an interesting path to have taken, if a little bumpy, and that Mark looked too thin, and that there were plenty of fish in the sea. Roger noticed her furrow her eyebrows confusedly at him from time to time, and even felt the odd glare wash over him, but he wasn't truly brought out of his reverie until his beeper went off. He chose to ignore it, planning to take his AZT when they'd escaped Delilah. Mark seemed to have other ideas though, as he turned to Roger, raising his eyebrows at him as Roger silently turned off the beeper without retrieving his pills. 

Mark had become increasingly incensed throughout his conversation with Delilah, not least because Roger seemed to be happily ignoring the whole proceeding while Mark was enduring Delilah's condescension and pointed questions entirely alone. His frustration had been bubbling up to breaking point while he tried to formulate a plan of escape before he was asked about his nephew and nieces and shown photos of Delilah's own children against his will when Roger's beeper went off, halting the conversation and piercing through the silence that followed. Bringing Mark back to his life in New York City, to the here and now. To the life that he had chosen. To what actually mattered to him. To Roger.

"You're not going to...?" he began, as Roger made no move to take his AZT.

"I'll take it when we're done here", Roger reassured, not wanting to offer Delilah anymore ammunition for her gossip circle. 

"It's more effective if you take it now", Mark urged, anxiously.

"Sorry", interrupted Delilah, "But what's going on? What's the beeper for? I'm not keeping you from anything am I?" Roger opened his mouth dumbly, trying to think of something to say, but in that moment, Mark was past the point of caring about Delilah. The only thing that mattered was Roger. 

"He just needs to take his AZT", he said without thinking, "If he doesn't take it now..." The words died on his tongue as he saw Delilah's confused expression, as though trying to connect the dots in her head. "We should go", Mark said then, bluntly, realising his mistake. "It was good to see you", and he grabbed Roger's shirt sleeve and pulled him away.

They ended up back in the loft, Mark pacing up and down and running his fingers through his hair while Roger tried to reassure him.

"But you don't know what she's like", Mark was saying, "what they're all like. She'll work it out and she'll tell Cindy and Cindy will tell Mom and then I'm screwed".

"She has nothing to tell about from the usual stuff that you told her. If she works out I have HIV so what, I'm just your roommate, remember? Maybe they'll think you're hanging out with some 'unsavory characters' or something but they won't flip. Not when you're fine".

But Delilah had seen the kiss. And she read the papers. And she did not waste time informing Cindy that she was 'concerned' about her little brother. And that was how they ended up with Roger on the sofa two days later, holding Mark in his arms as they listened to his mother crying down the phone into their answering machine about her son being queer and not giving her any grandchildren and about her son taking his life in his hands, about corrupting influences and about her having to bury her only son, while his father yelled a few choice slurs in the background.

It was a week before Mark got up the courage to ring her back and actually talk to her, Roger holding his hand tightly all the while. He found himself apologising more than he meant to over things he had no control over as he tried in vain to explain that he did like women too, but that this wasn't a phase. As he tried to explain that he was in love with Roger. As he reminded his mother that she did already have three grandchildren. She seemed to mellow slightly when she learnt that Mark did not in fact have HIV, but her horror only grew when he admitted that Roger did, even as he assured her that they were being careful. 

"What were you thinking Marky? You can't do this to yourself, to me, it's not safe, it's not worth the risk".

"Yes he is".

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said he's worth the risk Mom. I have no idea how long Roger's got, and I can't not have him while he's here. He's my best friend and I love him. I can't miss my chance again. I need to take everything I can get with him while I can. I'm already going to outlive all my friends. If the worst comes to the worst maybe I only have to endure a couple of years without them, without Roger, instead of a couple of decades. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable, regretting that I wasn't completely happy when I had the chance to be, as well as being lonely. It's a risk I'm willing to take. And even if you don't understand that, you have to believe it". 

His mother was silent for a while then. Mark was about to hang up after his father appeared to have taken over the receiver to accuse Roger of being a manipulative cocksucking bastard and Mark of being a fag and a fucking idiot with a death wish when he heard his mother's voice shushing him and interrupting. 

"Mark? Marky I believe it. And I'll...I'll try to understand I promise just...please be careful". Mark heard her voice cracking. "I always am Mom", he replied hollowly.

"Is Roger there?"

"Yes..."

"Look after him won't you Roger?"

"Of course Mrs Cohen. I always do", Roger replied, silently kissing Mark's hand.

"And do call me sometimes still won't you Mark? I'll still call you. It's just the shock", she continued after a long silence which Mark neglected to fill with a reply. "Well, goodbye for now then I suppose Mark", his mother said, in a matter of fact way which seemed so out of place with the conversation which had gone before it. "I love you".

"Love you too Mom", Mark said, before hanging up. 

He curled into Roger's chest and let the tears roll down his cheeks. He hadn't had the heart to tell his mother that his HIV test from a couple of days ago had come back positive. The result of an accidentally broken condom - no-one's fault. Roger was probably more broken up about it than Mark. But it would've killed his mother. And so after feeling he'd made a step in the right direction with his mother about his sexuality and about Roger, he found himself in possession of a secret he knew would undo what little progress he'd made at the drop of a hat. And that was when it hit him that everything was suddenly so much worse than it had been before. But Roger's arms were still wrapped around him, his lips still pressing kisses to his forehead as he cried. And if he had Roger, then that was all that really mattered.

**Author's Note:**

> Vaguely inspired by the song 'My Brother Lived in San Francisco' from Elegies for Angels, Punks and Raging Queens. The line about Mark finally finding his place is taken from the song's line 'he said he'd finally found his place', it's really beautiful and I highly recommend checking it out if you don't know it.


End file.
